1. Congress gets rid of those pesky pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars and replaces them with the Ipod nano, the Ipod, the ITouch, the Ipad mini, and the Ipad.
2. The Pope begins the Canonization process for “Saint Stephan Jobian.”
3. Jim Cramer changes his signature phrase from “BOOYAH….!!!” to “APPLESAUCE…!!!”
4. Public schools are required to teach a new type of science class based on the “reality distortion field” theory.
5. StockTwits changes its name to “AppleTwits.”