You ever get the sense that your parents lied to you? Not trivial lies about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Serious lies. Ones that have the potential to effect your health and well-being, as well as that of your children.
I get that sense every third Monday when I enter St. Columbine’s gymnasium cum bingo parlor. My presence there is part of the price I pay for sending my kids to private school — mandatory volunteering for parents.
It’s not so bad. The people who run it are the salt of the Earth and the elderly players who show up each week are charming in their own way. But they are fucking liars.
Once they get behind the gymnasium doors they repudiate everything they taught their children while growing up. I watch in horror each week as bag upon bag of dirty, salty, and often flaming hot lies spill forth from their backpacks and macrame’ shoulder sacks.
I was told growing up that junk food was bad for me. That if I ate too much of it, my teeth would fall out. That I would get morbidly fat. And at some point, my arterial veins would be so blocked up with plaque that my heart would explode out of my chest, knocking anyone in its path into unconsciousness.
Yet these folks, these bingo loving Baby Boomers, from the same generation as my parents, from start to finish, shove some of the most heinous crap down their gullets without even blinking an eye. I’m talking the hard stuff.
They don’t just do Funyuns, they do Chile Limon flavored Funyuns.
Doritos? Get the fuck outta here! Nachos Pisco Habanero Rolled Doritos bitch!
If it ain’t Ranch Dipped, Flamin’ Hot, or Jacked, they don’t want to know about it.
In fact, even the most wholesome of snacks, Cracker Jacks, has been mutated into some perverted and “extreme” derivation.
Cracker Jacks — no, sorry, “Jack’D” with a capital “D” — now come in Cheddar BBQ, Zesty Queso, Spicy Pizzaria, and Buffalo Ranch flavors.
OH…..THE…..HUMANITY!!! Let’s just admit it! Al Qaeda has already won!
How many other mothers and fathers of Gen X’ers like me are meeting at bingo halls, craft fairs, and “wine tasting events” and secretly pounding down this crap?
All this stuff is bad, but the demon seed of this Snackocalypse is the one they call “Bugles.”
According to the General Mills snack blog — yes, you heard that right, the General Mills snack blog — Bugles were the first cone-shaped corn snack. It’s origins pre-date the cell phone, personal computers, and even man’s landing on the moon. From the blog;
Fifty years ago, Bugles was actually among a trio of new General Mills snacks that represented our entry into the snack food market. And we’ve never looked back, as our snack portfolio has since grown wider and more diverse.
Back then, Bugles’ snack siblings were Whistles – a cheddar-flavored corn product in the shape of a whistle and “taste like grilled cheese on toast, only crunchy”; and Daisy’s – a flower-shaped snack that had the flavor of “puffed popovers.”
While Whistles and Daisy’s went by the wayside within just a few years, Bugles outlasted them and many other snacks that General Mills introduced.
But as with all cutting edge innovations, technology drove the evolution of Bugles onward and upward over the ensuing years.
No longer must you be content with putting pedestrian style salted corn flavored cones on your fingertips. Now you can put Chile con Queso, Salt & Vinegar, Chocolate Peanut Butter, Sweet & Salty Caramel, and even Crazed Southwest Ranch style Bugles on your digits. Yes, you heard me right. Not regular Ranch, but CRAZED SOUTHWEST RANCH! That’s crazy!
God only knows what style of Whistles and Daisies we would be enjoying right now had they survived?
It’s hard when you find out that everything you have been taught, every ounce of belief you held sacred is just a pack of lies, perpetrated upon you by those you trusted most.
Sure, my mom puts up a good front these days, stocking her pantry with low sodium Triscuits, organic gluten-free pretzels, and Popchips, but I’m no longer an extreme snack newbie. If she suddenly starts hitting a pottery class or begins hanging out at the “senior center,” I’ll be watching.